Stop Trying To Be A “Good Mom.”

I used to want to be a “good mom.”

A great mom, even. It sounds like a lovely aspiration, doesn’t it?

Well, it’s not.

Here are 5 reasons trying to be a “good mom” is stealing the joy out of your motherhood.

Reason #1:  The “good mom” label fosters feelings of superiority. 

Think about it.  If there are “good moms” in this world, then it follows that there must also be “bad moms.”  So let’s say you have determined that “good moms” feed their kids nutritious meals 3 times a day.  You like this thought, because it motivates you to spend time and energy nourishing your kids with healthy food.  No problems, there, right? But let’s look closer— because with this mindset, you will eventually end up judging other moms who don’t happen to live up to this standard that you invented for your “good moms” list. You might see little Johnny’s lunchbox with doughnuts and a chocolate milk, and conclude (consciously or subconsciously)  that his mom isn’t a “good mom” like you because she feeds her kids so much sugar. If you’ve decided that ‘good moms do crafts with their kids,’ are you really ready to lump all of the non-crafters out there into the “bad mom” category? If you believe the thought: ‘good moms make sure their kids go to church,’ then how will you view your friend when her teenager goes through a phase of refusing to go? Will you label her as a “bad mom” now? “Good mom”/ “Bad mom” thinking places you in the position of a judge who then puts everyone else on trial to determine the verdict. [Imagine yourself, with the lilting voice of Glinda the Good, asking: “Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?”] Is that really the relationship you want to be having in your head with every other mom you see?

Reason #2:  The “good mom” label also fosters feelings of INferiority.

If walking around thinking you are better than other moms doesn’t phase you too much, let’s look at the other side of the coin. Your list of how to be a good mom actually puts YOU on trial too.  Eventually, no matter how motivated and hard working you are, you won’t be able to measure up to your own standards of what a “good mom” does or doesn’t do.  If you believe that “good moms” read to their kids everyday but you didn’t today, what does that mean? If “good moms” don’t yell at their kids, but you got pushed to your breaking point when your toddler smeared poop on your bedspread, does that make you a “bad mom?”  If “good moms” make sure their kids get good grades and yet your teenager is failing a class, what then?  If “good moms” always have a clean house, what about when yours is a mess?  Do you see why the “good mom” label is a set-up for emotional disaster?  It’s only a matter of time before you have to condemn yourself to the “bad mom” category and you will probably feel like a huge failure when you have to admit that you don’t measure up to your own standards.  Which brings me to reason #3.  

Reason #3. The system of measurement for determining the “good mom”/ “bad mom” label is fundamentally flawed.

Labeling is a type of cognitive distortion— meaning that when you use labels, you are seeing and thinking about something in a way that is skewed. Blanket statements made about a person based on isolated actions can’t be completely true. If you really get down to the nuts and bolts of this mental construct there isn’t actually a concrete way to define either term. Let’s say that in your quest to be a “good mom” you have determined that “good moms” breastfeed their babies.   But where is the cut-off point for this labeling system? Do you have to breastfeed exclusively, for 2 years, to be a good mom?  Or is it just one year?  If you do it for 3 months is that enough to achieve “good mom” status? Is it every feeding, or at least 4 feedings a day, or what?   What if you don’t produce enough milk?  Does that make you a “bad mom?” If you have a “legitimate” reason to not breastfeed does that exempt you from “bad mom” status, whereas if you just choose not to, then you’re a “bad mom?”  Every single concept you have in your mind of what a “good mom” does or doesn’t do, has these same arbitrary, unmeasurable, cut-off points. If “good moms” don’t let their kids have too much screen time, how much is too much?  2 hours a day? 6?  1 hour a day unless you just had a baby or you’re sick, and then it’s okay to do more?  If" “good moms” have a clean and organized home, how clean is clean enough? Can you have 10 items on the floor…15….20 before you descend to “bad mom” status? Can you go 1 week, 2 weeks or 3 without dusting before you have to give up your “good mom” badge of honor? I could go on forever.  Which brings me to the 4th reason I recommend that you stop trying to be a “good mom.” 

Reason # 4. It’s mentally exhausting to be measuring your performance.

Think about all the mental energy it takes to check the boxes to constantly be determining if you are a “good mom” or not. Your mind then has several tasks it has to be completing daily.  You have to always be determining what is on that list, and then comparing your actions to the standard (and other women) to see if you measure up.   And, since the cut-off points for how much is “enough” to determine good mom or bad mom status are totally arbitrary, this thinking traps you in thoughts of “not-enoughness.” Your brain gets in a loop of searching for what is enough and not finding it, and searching for what is enough, and not being able to find it. The message your brain ultimately sends on to you is, “I can’t figure out how much is enough, so just do as much as you possibly can! There’s no such thing as enough, so just do MORE!” This is the recipe for total exhaustion. Emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I used to live like that. I used to have that chatter going on in my brain constantly. I used to feel like there was some imaginary good mom/bad mom evaluator, sitting in my living room with a clipboard, checking off the items with a red pen. “Ah, yes, snuggles before bedtime. Good mom. But yikes. Losing some patience during the bedtime routine…tsk tsk. I see that your kids ate some vegetables today…good mom! But wow, did you see how they were fighting over taking turns? Bad mom.”

Seriously. I used to waste so much emotional and mental energy trying to measure up to literally hundreds of made-up standards with arbitrary cut-off points, and constantly sliding the measuring gauge back and forth on myself. Good mom. Bad mom. Good mom. Bad mom.

Which brings me to reason #5 that it’s time to stop.

Reason #5:  Trying to be a “good mom” is actually a huge distraction from what God really wants you to focus on as a mom.

Trying to be a “good mom” drives your focus toward yourself. Toward your insecurities and your fears of all the ways you are inadequate. Which either leaves you depressed about all the things you’re not doing, or prideful about all the things you ARE— or usually some strange ping-pong-ing combination of both. (Isn't that funny?! They actually go together!)

But God hasn’t called you to focus on your inadequacies. He has called you to focus on Him. On His power, His strength, His wisdom. All of which you desperately need in order to raise your kids in this crazy world. The great adventure of motherhood is not to measure up and be found as a “good mom.” It is to learn to love as God loves. To see as He sees. To develop a heart that lifts and helps others. To minister to your children in their needs. To extend to them things they might not deserve because you love them so much. And to NEED God and rely on Him, because you can’t do it alone.

The Good News!

So here’s the good news I have for you! You can choose to think differently about this! You don’t have to ping pong between feeling like a good mom and a bad mom based on every little action you make. Instead, you can fix your thoughts on Jesus, and ask Him to help you just be an actual mom: YOU. With all of your flaws, weaknesses, AND talents and strengths.

Actual moms mess up and lose their cool sometimes.  They also get to experience the joy of apologizing and teaching their kids about grace and humility.  Actual moms get to have messy houses sometimes and clean houses sometimes, and none of that affects their inner worth as a person. You can focus on the joy of loving your kids, which can look so many different ways. It might mean playing at the park.  It might mean snuggling up together with a book. It might mean explaining that mommy needs some alone time. It might mean teaching, correcting, listening, holding on, or letting go.

When you can let go of the “good mom/bad mom” labeling system, you will free up TONS of mental and emotional energy that you can then use for other things!! Like trusting in God, and seeking His guidance of how you can guide your children to Him on this wild ride called motherhood.

Wanna have a few private coaching sessions with me so you can develop a new mindset about your motherhood?

I’m Emily Ricks. I help people transform their thinking so they can feel more joy. As a Certified Professional Life Coach, I work with women who want to reduce feelings of stress, guilt, inadequacy, worry, and overwhelm. I help them become aware of their thinking, envision what matters most, and exchange distressing thoughts for ones that create joy.