Episode 11: Arguing With Reality

If you're looking to feel frustrated, powerless, and exhausted, I know just the thing!  It's called arguing with reality.  Most of us do it all day long, and it drains our energy and gets us nowhere. In this episode, I'll share 3 things you can't ever change no matter how hard you try, and show you how to train your brain to focus on what you CAN change. Listen in for a fresh take on what gratitude is...and isn't. 

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 11, Arguing with Reality.

I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hey, how's it going? So with Thanksgiving just a week away, I wanted today's episode to have something to do with gratitude. If you're like me, this time of year, you set some intention around wanting to cultivate more gratitude in your life.

This includes feeling more gratitude on the feeling line of your model, expressing more gratitude, which happens on the action line, and experiencing more abundance on your result line. And I want to help you do that. To get there, I'm going to explain a powerful idea that at first doesn't seem connected to gratitude at all, but in the end, I'm going to show you how it totally is.

Okay, here we go. Are you familiar with the work of Byron Katie? She's the author of the book, Loving What Is, and she has a website called thework.com. I have learned so much from her. She teaches about the pointlessness, the uselessness of what she calls arguing with reality.

We argue with reality anytime we want something to be different than it is. And most of us do this all day long. We want our lives to be different than they are.

We want our bodies to be different than they are. We want our kids or our spouse or our boss or in-laws to be different than they are. We want the past to be different than it was.

Wanting any of these things is an argument with reality. The problem with arguing with reality is that it's hopeless. It sucks all of our energy.

It usurps our focus, but doesn't get us anywhere. So here's an example of this. I live in Colorado and we usually get a lot of snow in the winter.

And when it snows a lot, it's always a big question of whether they're going to cancel school. So recently we had a big storm and another district had canceled school the day before, but not our district. So that was on Wednesday.

More snow was coming. So Wednesday night, my kids were banking on waking up to a snow day. So Thursday morning, they came into my room wanting to know the news.

And I told them I hadn't heard anything. When they do cancel school for snow, I get a text, a phone call, and an email from the district. And it was 7am and I hadn't gotten any of those things.

We looked up the district closures online and ours wasn't listed. So I told them, you guys have school today. And they couldn't believe it.

They sat looking out my window, watching the snowfall, telling me all the reasons it should be a snow day. And I continued to let them know that despite all of those reasons, they would in fact be going to school today. And finally, at about 730, I was like, you guys need to go get ready.

So this is a classic example of arguing with reality. It wasn't a snow day. My kids were sitting in my room in their pajamas, looking out the window, arguing that it should be a snow day.

They had expected it. They were looking forward to it. But the reality was our district was not going to cancel school that day.

No matter how much they argued with the decision. And even though they had very convincing reasons for their argument with reality, we deserve this snow day because the other district is closed. Because look at all the snow, because the buses are going to be delayed.

The roads really aren't safe. On and on, right? But, and this is important because it applies to all arguments with reality. Looking out the window and saying all the reasons that it should be a snow day didn't do anything to change reality.

Arguing with reality, wanting it to be a snow day, even though it wasn't, just took energy and time that they could have used for other things. Like eating a good breakfast, getting everything they needed for the day packed up and not being rushed. So here's a question I have for you.

How much energy do you think you use up every day arguing with reality? Wanting things to be different than they are. Arguing in your mind or out loud that something should be a certain way even though it isn't. Most people spend so much energy thinking that things should be different than they are.

She should agree with me. He should appreciate me more. This line shouldn't be so long.

I should be more organized. He shouldn't arrive late. She shouldn't have lied to me.

Do you hear how these thoughts are an argument with reality? Here's what Byron Katie says. When I argue with reality, I lose, but only 100% of the time. Like think about that.

You cannot win an argument where you are trying to change something that is unchangeable. You will lose every time. It's not even a gamble of like you might win some of the time.

You will lose every time you try to argue with reality. So why are you standing at the window complaining about that snow day you think you deserve to have? It's a total waste of energy. You arguing with reality doesn't change reality.

It just makes you grumpy and late. Byron Katie says you might as well teach a cat to bark. The cat will look up at you and say, meow.

It's hopeless. So let's make a distinction here. As a life coach, I help people think new thoughts, right? I help them change the way they're thinking.

I help them change their habits, change the way they show up in their relationships. I help them set goals and accomplish things they've never done before. And I'm all about putting forth energy to change things that you want to change.

And I'm also very clear about what those things are and what those things aren't. So let's talk about three things you cannot change. Number one, you can't change the past.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, you cannot make the past different than it was. You can change how you think about the past. And this is a tremendously powerful thing to choose to do.

But you can't change the past. Number two, you can't change another person, period. You can manipulate them.

You can attempt to control them. You can bribe them. You can punish them.

You can resent them, but you cannot change them. God gave them the power, the agency to be who they choose to be. That's not your decision.

You can't change them. Number three, you also cannot change who you are exactly today in this moment. You can't change what decisions you've made up to this point, what habits you've developed or not developed up to this point, how much you weigh right this minute or how healthy or fit you are in this exact moment.

You can hate yourself. You can be mad at yourself. You can wish you were different than you are, but you have no power to change anything in the past that created your reality today.

You can't snap your fingers and magically make yourself different right this second, no matter how much you want that. Okay, so you can't change the past, you can't change other people, and you can't instantaneously change who you have become up to right now. Trying to change any of those things is arguing with reality.

You can, and this is my passion, change how you're thinking in this present moment, which will create change for the future. You can think new thoughts that will create new feelings, that will drive new actions, that will produce new results in your life. The results you create today will become your circumstances of tomorrow.

So you can change the decisions you want to make today and moving forward. You can change the habits you want to develop starting today and moving forward. You can change the way you talk to yourself and how you take care of yourself starting today, which will absolutely change how much you weigh and how physically fit you are over time or any other part of your life that you want to move the needle on.

But any positive change you want to make will not happen by arguing with reality. In fact, arguing with reality will distract you from what you can do. So what is an argument with reality that you're having? What do you spend your mental energy wishing was different than it is? Think of it.

What window are you looking out of telling everyone it should be a snow day even though it isn't? And now here's what I want you to consider. What could you do with all that energy if you reallocated it to things you do have control over? If you want to feel powerless, frustrated, and overwhelmed, keep arguing, get mad, complain, tell everyone how it's not fair, and this isn't how it's supposed to be. If you want to feel very, very powerful, here's your other option.

Accept reality exactly as it is. Don't argue with it. Accept it.

This is what is. This is who I am today. This is what happened in the past.

This is what someone else did. Now, this is very counterintuitive for most people. We think if we accept reality that we are surrendering to it and will therefore lose all of our power.

But I'm telling you, it's the opposite. When you accept what you can't change, you step into your power. You unlock the part of your brain that can focus on what you can control.

And that's what will change everything. When you argue with what you can't change, you use up a ton of energy and get very tired and usually overlook the things you do have control over. So acceptance comes first.

Then from there, you'll be able to take action to create what you want to create, to make decisions that can change a lot of things for you in the future. Now, this is a skill. It takes practice and you will get better and better at it the more you do it.

When you first start, though, it's going to feel like taking care of a toddler. Your brain is like a toddler. You know how toddlers walk around doing all sorts of unsafe things all day long? If you have a toddler right now, you are literally saving their life multiple times a day.

Bless you. They want to put their fingers in electrical sockets. They want to stick marbles in their mouth.

They want to eat gravel or mud. They want to run out into the street. And what does a loving mother do in all these situations? We provide leadership and instruction to a toddler and redirect them.

We say, oh, no, no, we don't drink toilet bowl cleaner. That will hurt us. That's just for when we clean the toilet.

Then we might put the chemical up high and say, but here's a ball we can play with. Let's throw the ball back and forth. Or we say, oh, oh, no, we don't use scissors at the piano.

Here, let's cut some paper with those. Here's some paper we can cut with your scissors. So here's something you can try.

View your brain as a toddler that wanders around getting into stuff and needs leadership and instruction from you. Your job is to teach your brain what is harmful and what is helpful. Just like you teach a toddler.

So you can say, no, no, brain, we're not going to fixate on the past. We can't change that. Let's focus on what we have control over and what decisions we want to make moving forward.

Or you might say, no, no, brain, we're not going to obsess about trying to get someone else to be different than they are. Just like you would tell a toddler like, oh, no, we don't drink the milk in that sippy cup you just found under the couch that's been there for three months. We don't drink that.

That's not good for us. That will make us sick. Let's get you a cup that's nice and clean and you can drink some fresh milk from the fridge, right? It's your job to redirect your brain to things that are going to be a lot more productive and healthy than arguing with reality.

My offering to you today is notice when your brain is trying to change stuff that you cannot change. Notice when your thoughts are arguing with reality and train your brain just like a toddler not to eat rocks or play with knives or drink curdled milk. As you redirect your brain to what is good and helpful, you'll notice that you have more and more energy to focus on what you can control.

All right. So let's come back to gratitude and how this relates. Thoughts that argue with reality, create emotions, resentment, frustration, resistance.

That's what we feel when we argue with reality. And those emotions are in opposition to gratitude. Have you ever thought about it that way? Gratitude is appreciating, embracing, and accepting what is.

It's not resenting, resisting, complaining, and wishing things were different. Gratitude is loving your body exactly as it is being thankful for all that it does for you. It's not criticizing and hating it and telling it it should be thinner or stronger or prettier.

Gratitude is loving and appreciating your spouse, your kids, your friends exactly as they are today. It's not complaining about all the ways you wish they were different. If you want to feel truly, deeply grateful, stop arguing with reality.

Stop believing anything or anyone should be different than they are right now. Accept reality exactly as it is. Appreciate it, embrace it, express gratitude for everything in your life exactly as it is today.

You will be filled with a feeling of gratitude if you do this. And from that feeling, you will be able to change things you want to change that you can change. You'll be able to become who you want to become.

It's an amazing thing. You can argue with reality as much as you want to, or you can choose gratitude and love what is. Which do you choose? I hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving, my friend.

Thanks so much for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week.