Episode 17: You Can Stop Wearing That Scratchy Sweater Now
Have you ever worn a sweater that was super uncomfortable? That was too tight, or too scratchy, or that you just didn't feel excited to go out in? Thoughts are like sweaters. Some thoughts fit just right, and you'll feel really good when you think them. Other thoughts feel uncomfortable, or downright terrible. Sometimes we buy sweaters for ourselves that we really don't end up liking, or sometimes we wear sweaters that we really don't enjoy wearing, that were given to us by other people. Either way, if you don't like how you feel when you believe a thought, you can stop "wearing" it at any time. Tune in to today's episode to learn more.
Links:
Free Forgiveness Class
I'm teaching a free forgiveness class Friday, January 10th on zoom.
It's called "Rewrite Your Story."
Think New Thoughts Academy:
Join the Think New Thoughts Academy to get help applying the tools you're learning on the podcast.
100 Thoughts for More Joy
Wanna think some new thoughts? Here are 100 of my favorites that you can try out. Be warned, though. Choosing to really, truly believe even one of these thoughts could drastically impact the way you view yourself and others, and might completely change your life. :)
Full Transcript:
You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 17. You can stop wearing that scratchy sweater now.
I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.
All right, I want you to imagine that you have a mustard yellow sweater that is scratchy, it's baggy under the arms in a way you don't like, the color pales you out, it's not soft, and it's not comfortable.
You can't fully move your arms when you wear it because the sleeves are too tight and it makes your skin itch and gives you a rash. And yet, you wear this sweater regularly. You're probably thinking, why would anyone wear a sweater that's super uncomfortable? That's actually a really good question.
Let me explain some more. You didn't buy this sweater. You wouldn't have purchased it for yourself because it doesn't fit and it isn't comfortable.
It's so scratchy and yucky. This sweater was given to you by a parent or a family member or a teacher or a friend, or maybe by someone who mistreated you. It may have been intended as a gift, or maybe someone forced you to wear it against your will.
Whatever the case, you don't like this sweater at all and you feel terrible whenever you wear it. Yet you wear it every day. You think you have to wear it.
You think you don't have a choice. You complain about how uncomfortable you are. You complain about not being able to move your arms.
You complain about the ugly mustard yellow color. You complain about the rash and how awful it is to have to be itching all the time. And you blame all that on the person who gave you this sweater.
You think, I'm so uncomfortable in my life because someone gave me this awful sweater. Now, I want you to think carefully about this. Can you see how it's nonsense? Let's say this sweater was given to you five years ago.
What is the cause of the rash you have today? You're not uncomfortable because someone gave you a sweater five years ago. You're uncomfortable because you're wearing that sweater right now. You're wearing it.
You have a rash because you keep putting that sweater on. You don't have a rash because someone told you to wear it five years ago, or because someone made you wear it against your will five years ago. You have a rash because you're wearing it right now.
And every time you choose to wear that sweater and put it on, you're going to feel restricted and uncomfortable and itchy, right? Isn't that the truth? Okay. So here's what I want to share with you today. I believe that thoughts are like sweaters.
Some thoughts fit me just right. And I feel really good and comfortable when I wear them. And some thoughts don't fit me.
The sleeves are too short, or the neck is too baggy. When I help my clients try on new thoughts, or when I'm coaching myself, I ask the question, how do you feel when you think that thought? You can try on a thought like you would try on a sweater in the dressing room of a department store. You can think it and see how you feel when you believe it.
If you love it and you love how you feel, you can keep thinking that thought. You can buy it, so to speak, and take it home and wear it again and again. If you don't like how you feel when you think a thought, you can decide not to wear it, not to buy it.
Or if you have been wearing it and are now noticing that it's too small, or you just don't like that thought anymore, you can return it or throw it away or remove it from your closet and stop wearing it. So in real life, other people give us their thoughts and beliefs all the time. They tell us things about the world, about other people, about ourselves.
And someone might tell you that you're smart and capable and pretty and talented. That's a sweater. They're giving you a sweater.
Here, this is what I believe. You can believe it too. Here, wear this.
You are smart and capable and pretty and talented. Maybe when you put that on, you like how it feels. So you keep wearing it and you feel gratitude for the person who believed in you and gave you that sweater.
And you wear it a lot and you feel great every time you put it on. On the other hand, someone might tell you you're lazy, irresponsible, and you'll never measure up. They're giving you a sweater.
Here, wear this. You're lazy, irresponsible, and inadequate. No one loves you.
Put this on. And when you wear that sweater, when you put it on, you feel depressed and worthless. So thoughts are like sweaters.
And it's true that people give you their thoughts, but their thoughts don't create your feelings any more than their sweater creates a rash for you, unless you believe their thoughts, unless you wear that sweater. Your parents, other family members, your friends, your culture, your critics will give you thoughts all the time. Thoughts that they want you to think and believe.
Sweaters that they think you should wear. Here, put this on. This will look so good on you.
Wear this. So here's a simple example. My grandfather was a physician.
And at some point, 50 years ago, he told my dad, don't ever go see a chiropractor. They're all quacks. Okay, that was his belief.
That was a sweater he wore. And he gave it to my dad and said, hey, wear this. So for years and years, my dad wore this sweater and avoided seeing a chiropractor because he had adopted his father's belief about them.
At a certain point, when he was looking for solutions to back pain he was having, he started talking to people and asking around and learned that my brother sees a chiropractor regularly. My husband sees one regularly. And eventually my dad found a chiropractor, a guy he goes to church with that he trusts that is definitely not a quack, did a few sessions and found it to be very helpful.
So that's a light, easy example of choosing not to wear a sweater anymore that doesn't fit. My dad was ready to embrace a new belief that would serve him better. And I don't know what his internal monologue was, but I imagine him taking that old scratchy sweater, that belief that his father had about chiropractors.
And I imagine him taking it from his closet and putting it in a donation bin in the garage and saying, hey, I love you, dad. And I have some back pain. And this sweater of yours that I've been wearing is keeping me in back pain.
So I'm going to choose my own belief about chiropractors and get some help from one that I trust. Here's what I want you to know. You can believe something different from your parents anytime you want to.
You can believe something different from a mentor or a teacher or a friend or whoever, and you can still love them and appreciate that they gave you so many sweaters. They probably meant well, they wanted to keep you warm. So they gave you lots of sweaters, but you don't have to keep wearing the ones that don't fit you.
You really don't. So let's think of this in terms of a CTFAR model for a minute. CTFAR.
Circumstance, thought, feeling, action, result. Circumstances are neutral. Thoughts are optional.
Thoughts create feelings. Feelings drive actions and actions produce results. This is the way life works.
People in your life have given you lots of sweaters and they will continue to. That goes in your circumstance line. You get to decide if you want to wear them or not.
That is your thought line. People saying words to you, telling you what they believe or treating you in a certain way goes on your circumstance line of the model. It's a neutral fact, whatever words they said.
So let's say your circumstance is someone said words to you or did something 10 years ago, and your feeling might be angry or depressed or worthless because of what they said or did. But if you believe in the model, and I do, you actually don't feel angry or depressed or worthless because someone said these words to you 10 years ago. You feel angry or depressed or worthless because you are choosing today to believe those words that were said to you.
This is a really important distinction. Your circumstances never create your feelings. Your thoughts create your feelings.
When someone says words to you, believing what they say is choosing to wear the sweater they give you. You can choose to wear it. You can also choose not to.
You can say, I don't believe that about myself, even though you do. If you've been wearing a scratchy sweater for five years, you can choose to not wear it anymore. The message of repentance, the message of forgiveness is you can stop wearing that scratchy sweater now.
You don't have to keep believing something that isn't true, that creates negative emotion in your relationships and in your life. If someone has been unkind to you, you can keep believing those unkind words your whole life long, or you can stop believing them anytime you want. If someone has told you that you are worthless or ugly or unwanted, that doesn't make it true.
Maybe you've believed it in the past. You don't have to keep wearing that scratchy sweater. You can stop believing something someone said about you.
If you have told yourself that you're bad at following through, or you're just not good at math, or you're not good at communicating, that doesn't make it true. You don't have to keep wearing that scratchy sweater. You can wear a different sweater or a dress or a jogging suit or a t-shirt or a blouse anytime you want to.
You can choose to believe anything you want to believe about the world, about yourself, about God, and about other people. If you've made decisions in the past that you're not proud of, you don't have to keep looking to the past for evidence of what you're capable of. You can choose to believe anything you want to about your future and what is possible for you.
No one can make you believe something you don't want to believe. No matter what has happened to you in your past, I want you to know this. You don't have to keep wearing that scratchy sweater anymore.
I have not seen nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. We actually have no idea what the future will hold. You can choose to believe that your future will be filled with healing, connection, and redemption.
You can choose to believe that your life has offered you the exact curriculum you need to learn and grow and develop, and that God will make things work together for your good. Next Friday, I'm teaching a free class called Rewrite Your Story. It's a 45-minute live webinar on Zoom where I'll guide you through a framework that you can use over and over again to help you let go of anger and resentment about things that happened in your past.
Or in other words, it's a class to teach you how to stop wearing scratchy sweaters that other people have given you, so you don't have to keep being uncomfortable and having a chronic rash. We suffer in the present about things that happened in the past because of what we believe about the past, because of the story we tell today about the people who are unkind or dishonest or about our own mistakes. We suffer in the present because of what we make the past mean about ourselves.
If you have something that happened in your past that you're still angry about, still hurting about, still wishing it never happened, I'd love to help you rewrite your story so you can feel light and unburdened and finally free from that scratchy, restricting sweater you have been wearing for too long. Come rewrite your story with me. There's a link in the show notes of this episode or go to emilyrickscoaching.com slash forgiveness to register for this free class and get it on your calendar.
It's Friday, January 10th at 10 AM live on Zoom. Register today and you'll be emailed the Zoom link and all the details. If you can't attend live, you'll have access to the replay, so go get signed up.
You can stop wearing that scratchy sweater now, my friend. I'll show you how. All right.
Thanks for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week.