Episode 27: Manuals Create Misery
Operating manuals for cars or printers or refrigerators can be super useful. But operating manuals for people aren't usually as helpful. When we write up pages and pages of detailed instructions in our minds for how we want other people do things, and then get upset when they don't follow the manuals we wrote, we actually create misery for ourselves in our relationships. Tune in to this week's episode to learn more about manuals--and a different approach that leads to more joy.
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Full Transcript:
You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 27, Manuals Create Misery.
I'm Emily Ricks, and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way, so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.
Hello, welcome back to Think New Thoughts. I'm going to share an idea with you today that could seriously change your life.
And I'm being kind of dramatic, but I'm actually serious. I remember the first time I was introduced to this idea. It was probably like seven years ago, and I was listening to a life coaching podcast while vacuuming out my car.
And as I listened, my brain started to explode. And I was like, what? So I want to explain this idea. And maybe as you're listening to this episode today, you'll have a turning point like I did when I first heard about it.
So first think about the important relationships in your life, your spouse, your kids, your parents, your in-laws, friends, coworkers, neighbors, church members, the people you interact with regularly. Do any of them ever do things that drive you crazy? If so, let's talk about manuals. This idea was created by Brooke Castillo, the founder of the Life Coach School.
I first learned it from Jodi Moore. And today I'm going to share it with you. So here's what a manual is.
You know how you have an owner's manual for your car. It's a very thick, very detailed book that gives step-by-step instructions of exactly how to do certain things. On page 62, it will tell you how to change the time on the clock for daylight savings.
On page 179, it will tell you how to set the cruise control, or on page 271, it will walk you through the steps of how to change the washer fluid, right? That's one kind of manual. This kind of manual is useful to have in your glove box for reference. And when you need it, it can be very helpful.
But there's a different kind of manual that most of us carry around in our mental glove box. And it's not really helpful or useful and actually creates misery in our lives and in our relationships. So here's what humans do.
We write manuals for how we think other people should operate. We make it all up in our minds and create very thick and very detailed instruction manuals for how we want other people to behave. This is what I need you to do.
And this is what I need you not to do so I can feel good and be happy. And if you were to open up one of these manuals and start reading it, here are some common phrases you might find. My spouse should take out the trash without being asked.
My teenager should be grateful for everything I do. My co-worker should be more considerate of my time. My in-laws should agree with my parenting decisions.
My neighbor shouldn't play their music so loud. These are the manuals we write for how we want other people to live. Most humans have pages and pages of their manuals for other people.
These are all things I need you to do so I won't feel angry, so I won't feel worried, so I can feel good and be happy. And have you noticed that a lot of the time people don't actually follow the operating manuals you wrote for them? And then you're like, listen, teenage son, on page 172 of the manual I wrote for you, it says you need to come with us when we go to the park as a family and you need to be happy about it and be fun to be around. But then he's grumpy and drags his feet or refuses to come at all.
And you're like, no, you're not obeying the manual I wrote for how you're supposed to act. And so now I'm upset. Or you're like, hey, extended family member, on page 2735 of the manual I wrote in my head for how you're supposed to be, it says you can't judge me or make comments about members of my family because that's rude.
But then she does it anyway, even though you expressly decided that she's not allowed to. And it's super annoying when you have your manual all written out and you've decided how someone else is supposed to live their life and then they have the nerve to do whatever they want and not follow your manual at all. If you're walking around with a manual for another person, it feels like this.
Gosh, if you would just stop doing that, I wouldn't feel so frustrated. If you would just be on time, I wouldn't be so annoyed. If you would just run that meeting differently, I wouldn't be so bored.
Look at page 691. It says right there, this is what you need to say. This is what you need to do so I can be happy.
So just do it because I'm sick of being upset all the time. Can you relate to this? So when you have a manual for someone else, you directly link their behavior to your emotions. If you don't do this, I'm going to be super mad or annoyed or angry or resentful.
So here's the problem with manuals. When you link other people's behavior directly to your emotions, when you say, I need you to do this thing this exact way, and if you don't, I'm going to be mad. Then you put your emotional wellbeing in the hands of someone else.
And then you have to rely on their behavior in order to be happy. And if they don't do exactly what you want them to in exactly the way you outlined in your manual, you're going to feel bad. And you'll be powerless to change that unless you can manipulate or control the person and get them to follow your manual.
Do you see how this is misery? Like imagine if you had a remote control and you handed it to someone else and said, okay, this button makes me frustrated. So don't push that one. This one makes me insecure.
So don't push that one. And I need you to push this one 10 times every day. So I can feel confident about myself.
This is what we do when we write manuals and try to get other people to follow them. We go, I've told you 20 times that when you push that button, it makes me angry. So stop doing it.
Do you see how it's kind of ridiculous? If you really think about it, do you see how a manual is giving all of your power away to another person? When you feel negative emotion in your life, your brain wants to help you solve that. So if you view someone else's actions as the cause of your negative emotion, then your brain will want to control or manipulate their behavior in order to try to help you feel better. And it's such a big mess.
But if you believe the truth that your thoughts, not their behavior is the true cause of your feelings, then you can put the emotional remote control back in your own hands and stop getting emotionally whipped around by things other people are choosing to do. So when you have a manual for someone else and how you think they should be, and then they don't follow it, you'll feel upset. And then when you feel upset, you'll pound your fist on the manual.
No, they need to do it the way I wrote in my manual. Pound, pound, pound my fist. Like, let's say you have a person in your life who is late a lot.
You have a manual that they should be on time. And every time they're late, you feel frustrated and disrespected. And then you pound your fist on this manual, insisting that you're right and they're wrong, and they should be doing what you want them to do.
Pounding your fist on the manual can look aggressive, like yelling or lecturing or whatever else you can think of to try to punish them for their behavior. Or pounding your fist on the manual can look more passive. Like maybe you avoid this person.
You give them the silent treatment. Maybe you withhold affection or praise in a totally different category because you're seething under the surface about them being late, but you're not actually saying anything about it. Pounding your fist on the manual is they're supposed to be making me happy by doing this, but they're not doing it and they should be.
And I'm mad. And so I needed them to change so I can be happy. That's pounding your fist on the manual.
So what does it look like for you when you pound your fist on a manual you've created for another person? When someone in your life doesn't do what you want them to do, how do you respond? Do you pound your fist on the manual by getting angry and showing it? Do you pound your fist by getting quiet and withdrawing? Think about what it looks like for you when you pound your fist on that manual, trying to get what you want by focusing on how the other person needs to change their behavior. And then think about the overall result you get in your life and in this relationship when you pound your fist on the manual. Here's what I've found as I've coached myself and my clients.
It always weakens our relationships when we have manuals for how other people need to be. And then we pound our fist on that manual when they don't do what we want. And sometimes we can get compliance if we push hard enough or threaten or manipulate people to get them to follow our manual, but this tends to weaken the connection and trust that deep down most of us want in our relationships.
Usually it doesn't actually work to make us happy because if someone grudgingly gives you what you have demanded of them, you might be able to get to like mollified on the feeling line of your model from that, but probably not get to happy or connected or a feeling that feels like love, right? Like if someone thinks about their husband, I really want you to give me more compliments about my appearance so I can feel more confident about myself. And then she pushes in whatever way she does to get him to do it. Then even if he does it, she'll know that he's just doing it to try to keep her from being upset.
And it won't result in a feeling of confidence for her. So that's how manuals weaken relationships. And if you pound your fist on the manual and you can't get someone to bend to your wishes, and they're not willing at all to do what you want them to do, then you'll feel powerless and even more angry at the person.
And of course this weakens the relationship as well. So the way I see it, it's always a lose to have a manual and pound your fist on it. Because even if you win, you lose.
And if you lose, you lose. And most people don't like to be close with someone who's trying to control them. That's what creating manuals is about.
It's about trying to control other people as a way of regulating our own emotions. And this whole approach is in opposition to the fruits of the spirit listed in Galatians 5.22. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. Manuals are the opposite of all that.
And the fruit of manuals and pounding our fist on them is bitter. So here's a phrase that I like to remind myself. Manuals create misery.
Even when I think I'm right, even when my manual feels so true and so valid, even if another person's actions are not in harmony with my values, my manuals create misery. I have found this to be true. When I first heard about manuals and my brain exploded, I remember thinking like, okay, yeah, but my manuals are right.
Especially as a mom, like my kids should do what I ask and they should live according to the values I've taught them. And they should work hard in school and be responsible and tell the truth. And so, yeah, if they're not doing that, I'm going to be mad.
It took me some time to really understand how this works. So let me give you a very helpful clarification about this. If you are a parent or a boss, having clear expectations for another person is different than having a manual.
And the difference is in whether you link your emotions to it. Like you need to finish vacuuming before I will give you a ride to the mall. It's not a manual.
It's a clear expectation with a consequence. And I hold my own emotional remote control, whether my child chooses to vacuum or not vacuum. A manual would be, if you don't vacuum, I'm going to be angry with you.
And I'm going to give you a big lecture about how irresponsible you are. This will create misery and lead me to try to control or manipulate because I've given my emotional remote control to my child. The truth is, if I feel angry, my anger is created by my own thoughts.
My kids doing or not doing their chores isn't the cause of my anger, but them doing or not doing their chores could determine whether they get a ride to the mall from a mom who's going to choose to remain calm in either instance. So this is the very important distinction between creating a manual and creating a clear expectation for another person. With a clear expectation, the emotional wires don't get crisscrossed.
You're not trying to regulate your own emotions with someone else's behavior, but you might be hoping to influence their actions and might have actions that you will take or not take in response to their choices. If you are managing people in a job, I need you to complete this task in this way. So I don't have to be frustrated is a manual.
I need you to do this task in this way. And if you don't, then you will get written up, or we're going to need to have a discussion, or you'll be put on probation or after repeated offenses, you'll be let go from this position. Do you see it? So there is a way to establish clear expectations and hold someone accountable for what is expected.
And actually, I'm going to talk more about that in a future episode, all about boundaries. But what I see, especially in parenting, is that nine times out of 10, moms have manuals for their kids, not clear expectations. You can tell if you have a manual and if you're pounding your fist on it by taking a look at your own actions, which sounds really obvious, but actually it's not natural for most of us to do.
Usually when we're obsessed about how someone else is not following the manual we made for them, we actually become totally unaware of our own actions. So let's go with parenting example. If you were an objective observer and you were looking in on a scenario where you see a child who fails to complete their chores and is playing a video game, and then you also see a parent who throws the Xbox controller across the room and lectures and yells and grounds this child in an angry outburst, what would you say as an objective observer? The parent is obsessed with how irresponsible the kid was for not doing their chores and their manual is, you need to do your chores so I won't be mad.
If we were going to write an operating manual for how humans in general should act, we might say, yeah, kids should be responsible. But we would also say that parents shouldn't throw stuff and yell, right? That's what I mean that manuals create misery. Whenever you have a manual, I need you to do this or not do this or else I will be upset.
Whenever you set up your relationships like that, if you observe your own action line, you will always find stuff on there that does not look like love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, or temperance because manuals don't produce the fruit of the spirit. Manuals create misery. When we are trying to control other people to regulate our own emotions and then we're upset with them for not following our manuals, we behave poorly every time either externally in an aggressive way or internally with judgment and criticism.
You want to know something really cool? Jesus taught this in Matthew 7, 3-5. The King James version calls it the moat and the beam. I'm going to read the NIV version because I think the words are a little easier to understand.
Here it is. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take this speck out of your eye when all the time there's a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite. First, take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
I've always believed this teaching but understanding the concept of manuals and pounding my fist on the manuals when people don't do what I want has helped me understand and live this so much better. Most people spend so much time and energy trying to control other people's behaviors thinking that that's the problem and so little energy actually understanding their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. So Jesus taught us to take a look at the plank in our own eye first rather than fixating on the speck of sawdust in someone else's eye.
In coaching terms, we call this releasing the manual. When you release a manual, you let go of the mandate that you have for how someone else should be acting and you turn the camera back to what you actually have control of, which is your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. How you're choosing to show up in this situation.
In the coming weeks, I'll be sharing more strategies of how to do this. For today, here's a starting point. Start noticing some of the manuals you have for how other people should live their lives, what choices you think they should be making, what actions you think they should be taking or not taking, how they should spend their time, how they should treat you.
Just start noticing the manuals you've made up in your head. When you find that you're frustrated with someone else for what they are doing or not doing and then shift the camera from them back to you. What yucky manipulative or controlling behaviors are lurking on your own action line when you're pounding your fist on that manual, insisting that they're doing it wrong and that they need to change to make you happy.
It takes courage to do this work, but it is so illuminating and so freeing. It's amazing what you can start to see when you get the plank of wood out of your own eye. And if you have a child or an employee or a friend that has some sawdust in their eye and you truly want to help them get that out, you're going to be able to offer so much more support and love when you can actually see out of your own eye.
Okay, so this week start discovering what manuals you have and how they're creating misery for you and see if you can shift the focus from how somebody else is showing up to how you're showing up. That's my challenge for you. On the next two podcast episodes, I'm going to give you more strategies for how to release your manuals so you can stop creating misery in your relationships and create joy instead.
And at the end of this month, I'm going to be teaching a free webinar called Three Secrets to Make Your Home Feel Less Like a Battlefield, where I'll be showing LDS moms of teenagers how to leverage this idea of manuals to drastically reduce contention in the home. So if you are an LDS mom of teens and you want to reduce contention in your home or you know someone who fits that description, grab the link in the show notes and go get signed up for that free webinar. I'm super excited to teach it.