Episode 29: Oops! That's Not a Boundary

Are you setting a boundary, or actually just trying to control someone else?  In this week’s episode I share the four mistakes people make when they want to set a boundary but end up with a manual instead (hint: if you’re obsessing over someone else’s actions or speaking from frustration, you might be in the OOPS zone). But don’t worry—I’ve also got a simple acronym to help you aim for peaceful, empowering boundaries instead. Whether you’re navigating tricky family dynamics, wanting to set limits as a parent,  or just wanting healthier relationships, this episode will help you step into more clarity and calm. 

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 29. Oops, that's not a boundary.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hi, how are you, my friend? So glad you're here today.

Quick announcement that this is your last week to register for my free class, Three Hidden Reasons You're Fighting With Your Teen and How to Stop. It's live on Thursday, March 27th at noon, Mountain Standard Time. But if you're listening to this and that time has already passed, you can still sign up for it and get access to the replay if you do it before April 4th.

So if you've been thinking about it, but haven't gotten around to signing up, go to emilyrickscoaching.com slash webinar and get registered. All right, today we're going to talk about boundaries. This episode stands alone, but if you've listened to episode number 27 about manuals and episode number 28 about unconditional love, you'll get even more out of this today.

The big picture idea I want to share is that manuals create misery and boundaries create joy. Manuals are the invisible rule books we have for how we want people to be for our own benefit. She shouldn't ask me to do that.

He should agree with me. She should understand what I intended. They should be more inclusive.

Manuals are about believing that other people's actions cause my feelings. And so I need to be afraid of them, or I need to get angry with them, or I need to somehow control what they're doing in order to feel how I want to feel. On the other hand, boundaries are about believing that my thoughts create my feelings and that I can respect that every person has agency to choose how they want to live and who they want to be.

And that my area of control includes deciding what I will say and do and not say and do. And I don't need to try to control other people to feel how I want to feel. Here's what I see happen.

People hear somewhere that they need to start setting boundaries to have healthy relationships and to stand up for themselves. So they try to do it. I'm going to start setting boundaries with this difficult person in my life.

But instead of setting a boundary, they end up taking a manual. This is what I need someone else to do or not do so I feel how I want to feel. They dress that manual up in some high heels and makeup and call it a boundary.

But in the end, it still creates misery because it's not actually a boundary. It's just a manual in disguise. If you have tried to set a boundary, but you find that you're feeling angry and frustrated and resentful, and your own needs are not getting met, you know you haven't yet set a true boundary.

So if you feel those emotions, you can go, oops, that's not a boundary. I'm not going to set a boundary with manuals since I'm feeling angry and upset. There are four common mistakes I see where people end up creating a manual when they meant to set a boundary.

So I made up a fun little acronym to help you remember these four mistakes. It's OOPS, O-O-P-S. The first O is obsess about someone else's actions.

The second O is overlook my own behavior as part of the problem. The P is program my remote control to their actions and hand it over. And S is speak in anger and frustration.

If you're doing any or all of these, you can go, oops, that's not a boundary. So let's talk about each of these a little bit. O, obsess about someone else's actions.

Some people think it's setting a boundary to tell someone you're not allowed to talk to me like that. Or I have asked you 20 times not to do that. So stop.

But I say, oops, that's not a boundary. If the primary focus is on someone else's behavior, that's not a boundary. No matter how much we want someone else to do or not do a certain thing, we can't make them.

That's why obsessing about someone else's behavior is a recipe for frustration. You have to do this. You can't do that.

I've told you over and over not to do that. These aren't boundaries. These are manuals.

Having a book full of unenforceable rules for how you want someone else to act is like trying to train a river to flow uphill. You can use buckets and pipes and you can get mad at that river and tell it has to flow the other way. But in the end, the river is still going to flow downhill and you're going to be very tired from trying to get it to change.

So if you are obsessing over someone else's behavior, oops, that's not a boundary. The next O in oops is overlook my own behavior as part of the problem. When you're obsessed with what someone else is doing and trying to get them to stop, you usually aren't aware of your own behavior as part of the dance that's going on.

For example, let's say there's someone in your life who likes to ask you for money and you really don't want to give them any more money, but they keep asking you. If you get frustrated and tell them to stop asking for money, but then do give them money the next time they ask, and then you go complain to your friend that this person is driving you crazy because they don't respect your boundaries, you're overlooking your own behavior, giving them money every time they ask for it, as a piece of this problem that you are having. Boundaries are about your actions, what you will do or not do.

So if you're obsessed with other people's actions and overlooking your own behavior, then oops, that's not a boundary. The third common mistake that I want to encourage you to start noticing is the P in oops. Program my remote control to their actions and hand it over.

This is what so many people do and they call it boundary setting. Don't you yell at me or else I'll feel sad. Don't text me while I'm at work or I'll get angry.

You need to be on time or else I will be annoyed. Oops, that's not a boundary. That's a manual.

When you give your emotional remote control to someone else and then beg them not to push the buttons on it, this is not setting boundaries and it will not strengthen your relationship or help you meet your own needs. If you hand over your remote control and say, if you push this button, I'll be scared. If you push this button, I'll be angry.

If you push this button, I'll be exasperated. If you program your remote like this and hand it over to someone else, you will create a victim villain story where you are powerless and helpless and constantly at the effect of this other person. The S in oops is speak in anger.

A lot of times we try to set boundaries, but we don't communicate the boundary until we're so fed up with what's happening that we explode and get mad. If you are communicating your boundary from a place of anger or taking action from rage, oops, that's not a boundary. So those are the four mistakes a lot of people make when they try to set boundaries.

The acronym is oops. O, obsess about someone else's actions. O, overlook my own behavior as part of the problem.

P, program my remote to their actions and hand it over. And S, speak in anger. If you notice you're doing these things, know that you're not alone and also give yourself a gentle reminder.

Oops, that's not a boundary. Okay, so here's the truth. You don't have to set any boundaries in your life if you don't want to.

There's no boundary police making sure you do it. But the reason you would want to is that boundaries create peace and a feeling of calm for you. So that's what I recommend you aim for is to set joyful boundaries.

True joyful boundaries help you to take care of your needs. Boundaries help you to love other people. Boundaries are a way of telling the truth.

Boundaries help you to respect yourself and others. That's why I want to aim for them and why I want to help you aim for them. So here's another four letter acronym I made up that you can use if you want to aim for setting joyful boundaries instead of pounding your fist on manuals.

And I like the word aim because it kind of gives permission to do this imperfectly. I think of a dartboard with a target and we're aiming for the middle and we're going to get as close as we can. But sometimes it might be in the outer ring.

Sometimes we might not even hit the board at all. And sometimes we'll hit the bullseye. The more you try, the better you'll get at doing it.

And the important thing is to aim for joyful boundaries rather than manuals that create misery. So the acronym is AIMS, A-I-M-S. Here are the four aims of setting joyful boundaries.

A, allow others to choose how they will behave. I, I love you either way. I respect you either way.

M, my actions are the actual boundary. S, speak with respect. And these are of course the opposites of the four mistakes that spell oops.

So A, allow others to choose how they will behave. This is the opposite of obsessing about someone else's actions. Let them choose.

You can't control another person and you actually don't need to in order to get your own needs met and feel how you want to feel in your life. God allows us to choose. He lets us choose good or bad.

And we're not aligned with who God is when we try to force people to do what we want them to do. True respect and love for another person allows them to choose. So a true boundary that isn't a manual starts with letting go of what other people do or say and fully allowing them the agency to live their life as they choose to.

The I in AIMS is I love you either way. I respect you either way. Don't program your emotional remote control to someone else's actions and then hand it over to them with instructions of what buttons you don't want them to press.

Instead, practice unconditional love. Love them without conditions. Love them whatever choices they make.

Isn't that what Jesus taught? Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, pray for them, which despitefully use you and persecute you. Can you see the emotional remote control metaphor in that teaching of Jesus? Reprogram your remote so that whatever anyone else does, you feel love. This way you get to stay grounded in a feeling of love even when other people use their agency to do things you don't want them to do.

And this is where people get uncomfortable and they're like, so I just let other people do anything they want and just sit there and do nothing? No, not necessarily. So the M in AIMS is my actions are the boundary. So we allow other people to make their own choices.

We choose to love them either way, to respect them either way. And then we also respect ourselves enough to take or not take action in any situation. Boundaries are about deciding what you will do and what you will not do.

Boundaries are how you tell the truth about what you are willing to do and what you're not willing to do. If you want to set a true joyful boundary, then instead of telling someone else what they can and can't do, ask yourself, what actions will I take? Then a boundary can sound like, if you yell at me, I will leave the room and will not engage in discussion with you until you are calm. And we communicate that boundary by taking that action in that situation.

Or a boundary can sound like, if you text me while I'm working, I won't respond until I'm on a break. And we communicate the boundary by not responding until it's a convenient time for us. A boundary could sound like, if you miss the bus again from oversleeping, I won't give you a ride to school.

Notice that the conditions are on the actions, but not on the emotions. It's not, if you miss the bus again, I'll get mad and lecture you and tell you how irresponsible you are. It's, hey, I'm not willing to give any more rides when you oversleep.

If it happens again, I love you. And I'm going to let you figure out your own transportation because I'm not willing to rearrange my schedule every time you oversleep. That's an actual boundary.

And the M in aims, my actions are the boundary. What I decide to do or not do in the end is the boundary, not what I tell them I want them to do. The S in aims is speak with respect.

So we communicate our boundaries with words and with actions. And so the aim of joyful boundaries is to say words and act in a way that sends the message. I respect your agency.

You're allowed to make your own choices. You're allowed to do and say what you choose. I also respect myself.

I have agency too, and I can choose what actions I will take and what actions I won't take in any situation. When you speak and act the aim, if you want to create joy by setting boundaries, is that you communicate, I respect you and your choices, and I respect myself. Here's what I choose to do.

Here's what I choose not to do from a place of love and respect. You could purchase that with your own money if you want to, but I'm not willing to pay for it with my money. That's a boundary.

I'm willing to spend two more hours this week on this volunteer project, but not more than that. That's a boundary. I love you.

I respect you. I'm not angry. I'm not upset.

I'm calm, and this is what I choose to do and not do. I will speak with respect for you and respect for me. Okay, there was a lot packed into this episode, but I'm hoping you got something valuable from it that will help you to move from the misery and frustration of manuals to the joy of boundaries.

I want to encourage you to let yourself do this imperfectly, but start throwing darts at the target of joyful boundaries. Start aiming for it, and as you do, remember, oops, that's not a boundary. I know I'm operating from a manual when I, O, obsess about someone else's actions.

O, overlook my own behavior as part of the problem. P, program my remote to their actions and hand it over, and S, speak in anger. What we're aiming for instead is aims.

A, allow other people to choose what they will do and say. I, I love you either way. I respect you either way.

M, my actions are the actual boundary, and S, speak from a place of respect. Do you guys know about the Think New Thoughts Academy? I probably don't talk about it enough on this podcast. It's my monthly coaching program, and we do a workshop every month about a different topic.

We also have coaching labs and opportunities for private sessions, and I love my members so much, and we have a great time, and there is so much discovery and growth and awesomeness in there. Our workshop in April is going to be about boundaries, and I'm going to help my members identify a few manuals they have for people in their lives that are creating misery, and then help them shift those manuals into boundaries that will bring more joy. I've decided to open up this workshop to anyone who would like to come for free, even if you're not in the membership.

Only members will have access to the replay, and members also have access to the vault of all our past workshops and labs, but if you'd like to come live to this workshop, go grab the link in the show notes of this episode to sign up, and I'll email you the Zoom link and the details, and you can come. I'd love to help you turn your manuals of misery into joyful boundaries, so come to the live workshop in April if that's something you want. Thanks for joining me today.

Emily Ricks