Episode #6: Proving vs. Improving

Do you ever feel like you are on trial? Like every day, you have to somehow prove that you are smart, capable, and good enough... Or depending on the evidence of the day, accept the verdict that you aren't?! Do you put other people on trial, too? If you're tired of trying to prove who measures up and who doesn't, or of trying to play judge, jury, defendant, and prosecutor with yourself and in your relationships, I have good news for you: You don't have to keep doing it. Tune into this week's episode, where I share how you can shift from a focus on "proving" into the joy of IMproving.

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 6, Proving vs. Improving.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hi there! I'm going to share an idea with you today that has really, really increased the joy I'm able to experience in my life.

I hope it's helpful. So let's start with a question. Do you ever feel like you're on trial? Being on trial is when you approach a situation feeling worried about what it will prove about you.

Am I good at this or am I bad at this? And then you look for evidence to support a verdict. Am I smart or dumb? Am I valuable or worthless? Maybe you've felt this as a parent. I know I have.

Like if the kids are being kind and doing well in school, here's the evidence. I'm good at this. If kids are struggling and the house is a mess, this is evidence.

I'm bad at this. Or if I lose my patience one day, the gavel goes down and proves I'm a bad mom. Do you know what I mean? This idea of being on trial.

Maybe you felt it in a work setting or in a volunteer position. Like if you're giving a presentation or teaching a lesson, leading a rehearsal or organizing an event. And so if you feel like you're on trial, then you're thinking thoughts like, I need to prove that I'm good at this.

I need to show that I know what I'm talking about. I hope I don't end up looking dumb or incompetent. There's gonna be a verdict of whether I'm valuable or not.

And you've probably felt it in other situations too. Like if you set a goal and you don't achieve it, you might think, well, this proves I'm a failure. I'm so bad at following through.

If someone mistreats you, you might think this proves I'm unlovable, right? Like as if you were on trial for whether or not you're lovable. And then we're going to look to the behavior of somebody else as evidence to prove that. Maybe you see something that someone has that you don't have, and you feel the gavel strike down.

And you say, well, the verdict is I'm deficient. There's something wrong with me because they don't have what they have. Have you ever felt that way? Like you're on trial every day and anything that happens is going to prove whether you're worthwhile or not.

Sometimes we put other people on trial too. We might say like, she's a bad friend. He's lazy.

She's irresponsible. And ladies and gentlemen of the jury, here's all my evidence to prove my case. I've definitely been there, putting myself and others on trial.

And it's actually a pretty exhausting way to live. It's also a mindset, which means it's optional. It's an optional way to view yourself and others.

And you have other choices. So let's define mindset. The dictionary definition is a habitual or characteristic mental attitude that determines how you will interpret and respond to situations.

I love that. Determines how you will interpret and respond to situations. So here's my definition.

I think of a mindset as a collection of thoughts and beliefs that forms your way of looking at the world. Kind of like the binoculars that you look through, your mindset determines what you see. So maybe you're familiar with the work of Carol Dweck.

She has a really cool book called Mindset and has done lots of research and put out really cool things into the world about the two mindsets, fixed versus growth. So I'll give you a quick crash course in that. Basically the underlying belief of a fixed mindset is my qualities and abilities are carved in stone.

They are what they are. They can't change. Versus a growth mindset, which is my qualities and abilities can be cultivated through effort strategies and help from others.

Okay. So like one of my kids brought something home from school. One time they were talking about growth mindset versus fixed mindset.

And they have this little picture of a brain. And on one side of the brain with a fixed mindset, it's like, I can't do this. I give up.

I don't have to work hard. I can't change. Whereas somebody who's operating from more of a growth mindset might be thinking, I can't do this yet.

I'll try again. I like challenges. I can improve.

So that's kind of the basic difference. And it's interesting. So if we think about our traits being fixed, that's the fixed mindset.

I mean, it's like, I have blue eyes, right? That's a fixed trait. But sometimes we talk about our qualities and our abilities, like they're fixed. Like I'm not a good dancer.

Like I was just born that way. And it's like, well, okay. Some people might have more aptitude than others, but the truth is it's not a fixed trait.

I could learn, I could develop skills. I could take classes and improve and get better. So that's kind of the main difference between the two.

So I like to think of these two mindsets as whether or not I want to view life as a courtroom or as a playground. So in the fixed mindset, life is sort of like a courtroom. At least that's how I see it.

So there's a verdict of being innocent or guilty. And we're looking for evidence to sentence you. This is what you are.

This is what you aren't. It's very serious. And it's usually pretty heavy.

Whereas if life is more like a playground, then we're not really focused on trying to prove something. So I have four kids. I have spent thousands of hours of my life on playgrounds.

And I was thinking about it this week. Like why do I take kids to a playground? Well, partly because there's lots of options of things to learn and do, and they get to pick what sounds fun. And I actually love to see what they choose and see them get stronger as they climb and run and play.

I also take them to a playground so they can interact with people so that they can make friends, learn how to swing on the swings, learn how to climb up the rock wall or play tag or gaga ball or whatever. I don't take them to a playground to prove if they are good at something or not. Like I would never ever take a child to the playground and have them try the monkey bars and then be like, well, looks like you're terrible at this.

Now we know we're never coming here again. Now we know you're bad at monkey bars, right? Like I would never do that. So if I view my life as a trial in a courtroom, then I need to prove myself and I need to try to not be bad at things and prove that I'm good at it.

Whereas if life is a playground, then I don't expect myself to already be good at everything on the playground. I get to try new things and learn and grow and improve. And isn't that such a relief? I just like that way of thinking so much better.

So did you know you can choose whichever mindset you want and you can shift to the playground mindset at any time if you notice you're feeling the pressure of being on trial in a courtroom. So here's a little example of that. So last year, my daughter's middle school didn't do a musical.

They usually do. They decided not to that year. And so there were a lot of people who were disappointed.

So a friend and I ended up deciding that we were going to volunteer to, you know, help put on a little performance that they could do. So we did a Broadway review. And so this was just a volunteer position.

We just wanted to give kids the opportunity to perform. And I noticed a few weeks before the performance that I was feeling all this pressure. Like I wasn't having fun anymore and I was starting to resent the time and the energy that I was spending on this.

So I did a little bit of self-coaching and asked myself, why am I feeling pressure? Like, what is this about? And I realized I was thinking like, oh, I need to prove that I'm good at this. I need to prove to the parents and any teachers that come to the performance that I did a good job of organizing it and running it. And I was also thinking like the kids are on trial.

We need to prove that they're now good at performing as a result of being in this theater club. And I was able to kind of laugh at that and be like, wait, why? Why do we need to prove that? Why are we even focused on that? Like it was sucking the joy out of the whole experience for me. And so once I realized that I had slipped into a fixed mindset of trying to prove that I'm good at it and the kids are good at it, I decided to put on a different pair of binoculars and be like, you know what? This is for fun.

We are giving middle schoolers a chance to play on a theater playground and try out some new skills. They're learning, they're growing. I'm here to help.

And then it was fun again. So you can do this too in any situation. Notice when you feel like you're on trial or when you feel like you're putting somebody else on trial and notice the stress and the pressure and then just realize like, this is not a reality.

It's just a mindset and you can choose to think of it as a playground instead. So here's some questions you can ask if you want to sort of lean into this playground mindset. What sounds fun to work hard at or learn today? Like there's no verdict, there's no trial, there's no evidence.

We're just playing at the park, getting some exercise, right? Another question I love to ask when I notice that I'm trying to prove something and I have all this focus on me is who can I help, right? Like as an adult on a playground, a lot of times I end up helping my kids when they fall down or helping other kids. And that makes it fun to look around and think, oh, this is a playground, who can I help? Rather than, oh, this is a courtroom. What is the evidence gonna convict me of? I just, I love that shift.

It's so much more joyful. And I know sometimes the stakes are higher than a volunteer position at a middle school theater club. Like at a job where you're being evaluated by someone who pays you, or there are other situations where there's more on the line.

But even in a high stakes situation, you can choose to embrace the idea of growing and improving versus showing and proving. You can. In the end, even if someone else is putting you on trial and judging you, you get to decide if you wanna view yourself as being on trial in a courtroom or playing on a playground.

And the impact on your life is significant. When you're imagining life as a courtroom where you're on trial, you will be more likely to avoid challenges, avoid trying new things because you might fail and then you're gonna look bad. So better not to risk it.

You're gonna be more likely to judge other people harshly, to judge yourself, maybe even try to cover up mistakes and weaknesses to make yourself appear better in the courtroom, right? Like just notice that that's what happens when we view everything as a trial. Whereas when you operate from more of a growth mindset and you think of life as more of a playground, you're gonna be more likely to embrace challenges as a way to grow and improve. Like, yeah, this is gonna be hard to climb up this rock wall, but I wanna learn how.

And just like kids at a playground, you're gonna welcome failure as a way to learn because you know it doesn't mean anything about you. It's just feedback to help you find new strategies. Like I never expected my toddlers to already be good at climbing up a wall at the playground.

We went there to help them get better at it. I knew that they were gonna fail, but I wanted them to try and fail and also develop new skills. So when you can think of life as a playground, you will grow because you believe that you can and you'll believe that the overarching purpose of your life is to improve, not prove yourself.

I just love the difference between these two. And I think it's such a relief to focus on improving rather than proving. One more little thought, if you wanna add a religious layer to this idea.

In Revelation chapter 12, Satan is described as the accuser of our brothers and sisters who accuses them before our God day and night. And that sounds a lot like a courtroom, doesn't it? Satan accuses us day and night. He tells us that we're worthless, inadequate or hopeless and then tells us to hide.

So no one else will find out that we're flawed. On the other hand, Jesus is our advocate with the father. So I want to listen less to the accuser who tells me I'm on trial every day and wants to focus on all the ways I don't measure up or all the ways other people don't measure up.

And I wanna pay more attention to the voice of my advocate who whispers words of encouragement and strength to me and reminds me that it's okay for me and for everyone else to be a work in progress. Now, as a follower of Christ, I do believe in an eventual courtroom of sorts at the end of my life where I will stand to be judged. But because of Jesus, the verdict is already in, not guilty.

Christ paid my debt. With him by my side, I'm forgiven, I'm healed, I'm whole and I'm not gonna go to jail. And that's why I don't need to put myself on trial every day.

Because of Jesus, I'm free to run and play and learn and become on the playground of life and fall down sometimes and help other people when they fall down and be a believer in band-aids and second chances and growth. So how about you? Do you want to view your life as a courtroom where you are constantly trying to prove yourself or as a playground where you have the opportunity to improve and help other people improve? You get to choose every day. We actually just did a workshop about this inside the Think New Thoughts Academy, which is my monthly coaching membership.

We went into more depth about these two mindsets and what specific thoughts you can choose to think to lean into more of this playground idea and embrace improving over proving. If you want to get access to that one hour workshop, come join the Academy. I'd love to have you in there.

Go to emilyrickscoaching.com/join. Thanks so much for being here today. I'll talk to you next week.