Episode #9: The Opposite of Anxiety

Thoughts create feelings. So what thoughts create anxiety? If you're like most people, you probably feel anxious when you are thinking thoughts that focus on things you worry might happen in the future or emotions you worry you might feel in the future. In this episode, I point out what a lot of people do to try to decrease anxiety that doesn't usually work, and I share a  strategy that's only a little bit different, that can help you feel the opposite of anxiety. It might surprise you how simple it is. 

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Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 9, The Opposite of Anxiety.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way, so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hey, how's it going? Are you ready to think some new thoughts today? I have some for you. Let's talk about anxiety and then I'm going to share what I think is the opposite of it.

As a life coach, I 100% believe that thoughts create feelings, so anxiety is no exception. Anxiety is created by thoughts like, something is going to go wrong, something bad might happen, I might not be safe, I might get hurt, people I love might get hurt, I might fail, I might feel awkward or embarrassed or stupid. Anxiety producing thoughts are usually ones that forecast into the future and imagine things that we don't want to experience.

When we feel anxious, we're usually believing that something might happen in the future that's going to be super terrible. And then there's also another little part, it's called the thought in parentheses, that's like a little add-on that says, and I won't be able to handle it. So a thought, like something is going to go wrong, and then a thought in parentheses in addition, and I won't be able to handle it.

A thought like, I might feel awkward or stupid, and also the thought in parentheses, and I won't be able to handle that feeling. Does that make sense? So for most of us, the type of thoughts that create a feeling of anxiety are usually focused on things that we're worried will happen in the future, or things that we might feel in the future. And then there's also a thought in parentheses, like it will be unbearable, it will be too much, I won't be able to handle it.

And when the anxiety really spins, we add more and more layers, including trying to figure out how to make sure the bad thing doesn't happen, since we believe we won't be able to handle it if it does. If you're a human, I'm guessing you have experienced something like this before. So what would you say is the opposite of anxiety? Think about that for a minute.

If anxiety is an uneasiness that things aren't going to be okay, then the opposite would probably be a kind of calm or peace that things are going to be okay. So what do you think the thoughts would be that would create the opposite of anxiety? If a thought like something will probably go wrong is a thought that creates anxiety, then you might think you can create the opposite of anxiety with a thought like everything is going to go great. But usually, this actually doesn't work well at all.

Like if you're thinking about any kind of upcoming event, maybe it's a test, an interaction, a presentation, or a trip, and your brain is telling you all the things that could go wrong. If you just try to thought swap and say, no, everything's going to go exactly right. It's going to go just like I planned.

Everyone will be safe. I won't feel any negative emotion at all. If you try to just stick a bandaid like that on all of the worry, it's very unlikely that you will feel less anxious about it.

In fact, trying to press it down will probably make your anxiety worse. And here's why. One of your brain's jobs is to scan for possible danger and problems and then alert you to those.

It's good that your brain does that. I like to think of it like a fire alarm. And if you aren't actually listening to the warnings, and if you just try to say, no, no, nothing like that will happen.

Be quiet, brain. Then the alarm will send louder and louder alerts to get you to pay attention to it. Like, have you ever been on the phone and you have a young kid who really wants your attention and they're like, mom, mom, mom, and you don't really listen to them and you just try to get them to be quiet so you can keep talking on the phone.

And pretty soon your kid is writing with marker on the walls or kicking their siblings or making huge messes to try to get your attention. Has that ever happened to you? I've definitely been there. This is what your brain does when you ignore it.

So if your brain is trying to alert you to possible danger or discomfort in the future and you brush it off and say, no, no, no, nothing will go wrong. Everything will be great. And I'll just be happy all the time.

Your brain will be like that toddler that you're not paying attention to. And it's going to start to go a little crazy. So here's what I think does help to work through feelings of anxiety and create more calm.

There are two main pieces. Number one, agree with the part of the anxiety that's true. Number two, decide that you're willing to feel any emotion.

So let me give you an example of what this can look like. Last year, my son, Tyler, who was nine at the time was headed into his school spelling bee. So he was excited and worried and a little bit nervous.

And I was kind of nervous too. Here's a fun fact. I went to several school district and state spelling bees when I was young and spent countless hours with my mom having her quiz me on thousands of words.

And I thought it was super fun to compete. I really liked it. And of course it was also stressful and nerve wracking sometimes.

And sometimes I would misspell a word and that feels terrible. So anyway, the day of Tyler's school spelling bee, his brain and my brain were very aware of all the things that might go wrong. We knew that he might accidentally say a wrong letter even though he knows how to spell the word.

That's like the worst because it's no fun to get out. But if you don't actually know the word, that feels better than if you do know the word, but you just messed up when you were saying the letters. But that happens in spelling bees all the time.

And sometimes it happened when we were practicing the word. So we knew that that was a possibility that might happen during the spelling bee. Another thing we both knew might happen is that he might feel so nervous that he might get flustered and not be able to remember a word he had studied.

We might misspell it. We knew that it was a possibility that he could get out and feel embarrassed for messing up in front of the whole school. So anxiety in this situation sounds like all those possibilities, right? I might mess up.

I might say a wrong letter. I might forget a word I studied. I might get flustered.

I might mess up in front of everyone. And actually, all of that is true. So that morning, I didn't say to him, no, none of that's going to happen.

You're going to get every word right. You're going to win the spelling bee. I just know it.

Instead, we both acknowledged that all of those concerns were real and any of them could happen. In all my years of spelling bees, I had times where I won and felt elated and overjoyed. And I had sometimes when I got out and felt disappointed as they rang the bell and I had to go sit down.

Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I was angry if I knew all the words the winner was asked to spell, just not mine. But in the end, those were just emotions.

They didn't hurt me. They were just part of my journey. So the morning of the bee, Tyler noticed the feeling of nervousness he had about the spelling bee that was coming from those thoughts of things that might go wrong.

And he acknowledged it. And he chose to feel that nervousness. He felt it in his stomach.

He felt it in his eyes and in his legs, he said that morning. So in a sense, we agreed with that part of the anxiety. Those things might happen.

But the thought in parentheses is what we chose to shift. Instead of, I might mess up and that would be so awful and so embarrassing and I won't be able to handle it. That little thought in parentheses we shifted to, I might mess up and that could feel embarrassing or disappointing for sure.

But I'm capable of feeling any emotion. I can do embarrassed. I can do disappointed.

I can do frustrated. So no matter what happens, I'll be okay in the end. So I felt a lot of confidence in him as I dropped him off at school that morning.

He felt a certain type of confidence. A lot of people think of confidence as believing that everything is going to go the way you want it to. Everything's always going to work out.

That's not how I think of it. Of course, Tyler and I both hoped that morning that he would spell all the words he had practiced and do really well at the B. But we also knew that he might not. That's part of the deal.

There's only going to be one winner. That's part of what makes it exciting to compete. So confidence doesn't come from telling yourself that nothing will go wrong, that you're for sure going to be the winner.

My confidence in him, his confidence in himself comes from believing that he is capable of feeling any emotion that could possibly come his way. And I think that kind of confidence is the opposite of anxiety, which is interesting because it's actually really similar to anxiety in that there are things that might go wrong. There are emotions that we might feel that might be unpleasant.

Anxiety tells us that too. But where anxiety says that it will be the end of the world if we fail, confidence assures us that we are capable of feeling any emotion. And so there's actually nothing to be afraid of.

So Tyler did actually win the spelling bee that day, which was super fun and exciting. But any other outcome would have been okay too, because he knew he was capable of feeling any emotion. If you start to really pay attention to your thoughts, you might notice that when you feel anxious, you're thinking thoughts that involve trying to prevent ever feeling negative emotion.

Like, oh, if that happens, I might feel bad. So I need to make sure that thing doesn't happen. But I can't actually control what other people do or how things will go.

So I'll just spin an anxiety train to prevent it from happening. So I won't have to feel bad in the future. But in the meantime, I actually feel pretty bad as I'm attempting to make sure I don't feel bad in the future.

Like, isn't that funny how we do that? So I want to encourage you to start noticing when your brain does that. Notice when you are trying to prevent negative emotion in the future. And notice the irony of how much negative emotion you're creating in the present in the form of anxiety and worry.

When you forecast how terrible it's going to be and how you won't be able to handle it and try to find ways to make sure it doesn't happen. Instead of all of that, you can acknowledge the concerns that your brain is pointing out. And also assure yourself that we don't actually need to try to prevent negative emotion.

It's part of being human. It's okay. It will be part of the journey and we can handle it.

Agree with your brain that many of the disasters it's pointing out as possibilities could happen. And then tell your brain that the worst thing that can actually happen is just negative emotion. And I am capable of feeling any emotion so we don't have to freak out.

Then instead of anxiety, you get to feel confidence. Not confidence that everything will go the way you plan. There will still be some uncertainty about the future, but you'll feel a confidence that whatever the road ahead brings, you will choose to meet it with courage and grace.

Thanks so much for joining me today. I'll talk to you next week.