Episode #4: Unintentional Thoughts
Something that drives me crazy is to reach into a drawer to get a pen and not have any pens in there. Which is pretty funny, because I also have a habit of using a pen in one room and then wandering into another room without realizing I'm doing it. Tune in to this week's episode to get a few good laughs about what it looks like when we accidentally create results in our lives that we don't want, and learn what you can do about it.
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Full Transcript:
You're listening to the Think New Thoughts Podcast with Emily Ricks, episode number 4, Unintentional Thoughts.
I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships. In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.
Hello and welcome to episode number 4. Today we're going to talk about unintentional thoughts. So let's start with a little story.
I have a desk drawer in my office where I keep pens. And something that drives me crazy is that I will fill up my pen container full of pens, and it's only a matter of time before I reach into the drawer and there are none there. It always happens.
And it's super frustrating. I remember at one point thinking, who comes in here and takes all my pens? This is so annoying. One day, I looked in the bottom of my purse and realized that there were a lot of pens in there.
And I was a little baffled. How did all those pens get in my purse? That's weird. Then a few weeks later, when I sat down in my office to plan my groceries, I noticed there was only one pen left in the drawer.
And I was like, why does this always happen to me? Who keeps taking my pens? Using the last pen in the drawer, I proceeded to plan my grocery list and went to the store. When I got home, I unloaded the groceries and put my purse away. The next week, I reached into my desk drawer to get a pen and there wasn't one to grab.
Ah, can you believe it? There must be a gremlin who comes into my office at night and steals my pens. So I used a pencil instead of a pen and sat down to plan my grocery list. Like usual, I printed my nerdy spreadsheet, looked at my calendar, wrote down what we're going to eat each night.
Then I got up, went into the kitchen, went through my recipes, wrote down the ingredients I need, check the fridge and the pantry, finished the list, put the pencil and the clipboard into my purse and headed to the store. And this time I actually noticed what I was doing. And then I was like, wait a minute.
I think I do this every week. I take the pen from my office into the kitchen when I'm planning the grocery list and then put it in my purse with my list and leave it there. No way, right? So it was pretty funny to come to this realization of like, oh my gosh, it's me.
I'm the one who's stealing my pens. There are no gremlins, just me unintentionally moving my pens from my desk to my purse one week at a time. With just a little bit of awareness, I was able to realize that I was doing an action consistently every week, taking the pen from my office into the kitchen and putting it in my purse that created a result I didn't want, which was having no pens in my desk drawer.
I was the one creating the result, but I didn't realize it for a while. Okay, here's one more story. One time my dad was getting these super weird circles about the size of a thumbprint on his pajama shirts.
They were like these little white rings near his stomach and he would end up with several of them in slightly different places on his shirt and he was getting kind of annoyed about it. So my mom and dad checked the sheets to see if there was something in the bed. They checked my mom's pajamas to see if something was happening to hers too.
They asked us if we had any idea what was going on. None of us had a clue what was causing the crusty rings. It was a big mystery and we were all bewildered.
One night my dad was brushing his teeth and I heard my mom from the other room say something like, Aha! I don't remember exactly what she said, but eventually she called us into the bathroom and told us all to watch carefully as my dad repeated his teeth brushing routine in slow motion so we could witness each step. First, he picked up his electric toothbrush from the counter and put some toothpaste on it. Then he switched the toothbrush into the other hand, pressed the base against his stomach to slide his hand down to the bottom of the handle and my mom was like, That's it! That's what's been making the rings! Every time he brushed his teeth and adjusted his grip on the handle by resting the bottom of the toothbrush on his belly, the bottom of the toothbrush left this little circular ring on his shirt.
Made up of a little bit of water and a little bit of like toothpaste juice that drips down the side of the toothbrush as it sits on the counter all day. And then it would dry and get crusty. My dad cracked up and we all laughed as he realized he was in fact the creator of the crusty circles.
He'd been doing it all along without even knowing it every time he brushed his teeth. So this was unintentional. He didn't mean to.
He wasn't doing it on purpose and he didn't even realize he was doing it. And yet he was the creator of that result that he didn't like. So that's what I mean when I use the word unintentional.
My dad didn't want those circles on his pajamas. They were actually driving him crazy and yet he was making a new circle every night. I didn't want to not have a pen in my drawer when I reached in to get a pen and yet I was systematically removing a pen from the drawer each week, eventually emptying my stash.
This same phenomenon happens in our minds all the time. We don't realize that we're doing it but we think unintentional thoughts that end up creating results in our lives that we don't want. We don't mean to.
We don't intend to. But we end up doing it. Right? Most people don't say, you know, I think I'd like to start eating lots of ice cream and cookies every night while I plop down onto the couch and watch an undetermined amount of television.
Most people don't end up there on purpose. It's unintentional. They don't really mean to and yet they do.
I've never heard anyone say, you know, I have a goal to get angry with my kids every morning when we're trying to get out the door on time. I want to lose my patience. I'd like to stomp around, clench my teeth a lot, and throw my arms up in exasperation whenever it's time to load up the car.
Right? Most people don't end up there on purpose. It's unintentional. You don't plan to.
You don't intend to. You don't actually want to be doing it but you find yourself doing it. And a lot of times it's like this big mystery.
We're like, how did I get here? I don't want to be overeating, over consuming, getting upset with other people, being mean to myself, feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating projects. A lot of times we don't even understand what's going on. It feels like it's just happening to us.
Like the gremlins are secretly taking our pens or making crusty circles on our pajamas. Here's the truth. There aren't any gremlins.
Anytime we are taking actions we don't actually want to be taking, we are the ones creating those actions by thinking an unintentional thought. Anytime we're feeling angry or overwhelmed or resentful and we don't want to be, we are creating those emotions by thinking an unintentional thought. We don't do it on purpose.
We often aren't aware that we're doing it but we are doing it. So if you want to find out what's going on, start noticing what you are thinking and feeling and doing and how your thoughts, feelings, and actions are creating your results every time. Write CTFAR going down on a piece of paper.
Circumstance, thought, feeling, action, result. And then fill in any line you know. Okay? So if you notice that you, in this example, harp on your kids every time you're loading up the car, put that on the action line.
Write down what you do. On the circumstance line, write the facts of the situation. 7.58 AM, school starts at eight, haven't left yet.
Okay? You can leave the thought and feeling blank. We'll get to that in a minute. But then on the action line, write what you know.
I raise my voice. I stomp around. I lecture the kids about not being ready.
I sigh. I shake my head. Honk the car horn.
Whatever it is. Then get more awareness of what's really going on. Slow it down in your mind and watch.
Ask yourself, what am I feeling when I act that way? What's the emotion that drives these actions? And maybe you'll say, I feel angry that they're not ready. But go deeper. Angry about what? What's behind the anger? And if you sit with it, maybe you'll realize something like, oh, actually I think I'm afraid.
Afraid that people will judge me if we're late. Afraid that people will think I'm not a very good mom and I don't really have it together if they see us arriving late. So then you write that in the model.
Circumstance, 7.58 AM, school starts at eight. Thought, people will think I'm not a good mom if we're late again. Feeling afraid.
Actions. Get upset at the kids to try to be on time so that I won't look bad with all those actions you listed. The result, I show up as what I think is actually not a very good mom.
When I'm raising my voice and harping on my kids and stomping around. Then you can look at it and say, this is so fascinating. That's interesting that I'm so worried about what other people will think.
And then when I feel afraid because I don't want to look bad in front of others, actually show up in the privacy of my own home in a way that I don't like at all. So there's the unintentional thought. We found it.
People will think I'm a bad mom if we're late again. You didn't mean to think it. You probably didn't even realize that it was fueling the fear that comes out as anger and frustration with your kids when you're running late.
And this is when you can realize you're not mad because the kids can't find their shoes. You're not mad because they're not ready on time. You're actually mad because you're thinking that people will judge you for that.
You're mad because you're believing that being late means something about you as a mom that's negative. You're choosing those thoughts unintentionally and that's what's creating the feelings, actions and results that you don't want. So start noticing what you're thinking and feeling and doing in your life.
Then see if you can discover the thought that you're unintentionally thinking that's creating all of it. If you're brave enough to make a model, to sit with it, to investigate, you will find out that you are the one stealing your own pens. And if you can notice this without judgment and without criticism, if you can rejoice at the realization and say, oh, I see it now.
I didn't know. I'm so glad to understand that I'm the one who's creating this so that I can choose to think differently. Then you'll be able to move into an intentional model where you choose on purpose, the emotion you want to feel, the actions you want to be taking and the new result that you want to bring about.
It's so powerful. I love coaching myself, coaching other people and being part of the discovery and then the shift into intentional thinking. It's so cool.
So if you want to try it out, start making models. If you're getting stuff you don't want in your life and you want to understand why, make a model, write CTFAR on a piece of paper, fill in the lines you know. If you want to understand why you're feeling frustrated with someone you don't want to be frustrated with, make a CTFAR model.
If you want to understand why you're saying yes to things you actually want to say no to, make a CTFAR model. Find out what's going on for you. If you want to understand why you're feeling stuck or angry or resentful or unmotivated, make a model.
Drop into a deeper awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and actions and see if you can discover the thought you're thinking unintentionally that's creating what you don't want in your life. Okay, next time we're going to talk more about how to own that you are the creator of your own results. You are the one stealing your own pens without getting mad at yourself.
Make sure to tune into episode five for that so you don't get stuck in self-judgment if you want to start doing this work. Thanks for joining me today. I'll see you next time.