Episode #2: A Big Difference

Do you want to find more joy in your relationships? Would you like to be in the driver's seat of your own emotions, instead of constantly feeling worried or frustrated about what other people do and say?  In this episode, I explain how there is a big difference between what happens in your life and the way you choose to interpret what happens. I share how to separate circumstances from thoughts, which is a skill that you'll get better and better at as you practice. The better you get at distinguishing facts from stories, the more leverage you will have over how you feel on a day to day basis--which will make a big difference in the way you treat yourself and others. 

Download my free PDF:  100 Thoughts You Can Choose To Think if You Want To Find More Joy in Your Relationships

Full Transcript:

You're listening to the Think New Thoughts podcast with Emily Ricks, Episode number two, A Big Difference.

I'm Emily Ricks and this is Think New Thoughts, a life coaching podcast to help you find more joy in your relationships.In each episode, I'll share a simple idea that will help you see things in a new way so you can love God, your neighbor, and yourself more deeply than you ever have before. If you're ready to literally change your mind, I think you'll like it here.

Hello, I'm so glad you're here.

I want to tell you about something today that will make a big difference if you want to find more joy in your relationships and in life in general. It's an ability, it's a skill. So this is something you can know how to do and get better and better at the more you practice.

Here it is. Knowing how to distinguish your thoughts from your circumstances. Being able to tell the difference between stuff that happens to you and the way you choose to interpret what happens.

So sometimes we call this story versus facts. So think about your life for a minute. Think about the last week of your life and the stuff that happened, places you went, stuff you did, what the weather was, texts you received, stuff other people said or did.

Like those are all facts. A fact is something we could prove in a court of law. It just is, okay? So an example of a fact could be like how many kids you have, what color shirt you wore yesterday, the name of your employer, the amount of money in your bank account, words that someone said to you or texted you or emailed you, your marital status, what time you went to bed last night.

These are facts. If we have a birth certificate or a photo or a video recording, we could prove that it's true or that it happened, right? A story, on the other hand, is what we make stuff mean. Your story includes your opinions about what is right or wrong or pretty or ugly or fun or boring or appropriate or inappropriate.

Your story is based on how you want things to be, how you don't want them to be, what you think people should and shouldn't say, what you expect, what you hope for. So stuff happens and then we form stories about that stuff to create meaning in our lives. So let's say that you don't get invited to an event that your friend is hosting.

That's a fact, no invitation received. And then you make a story about it in your mind to make sense of it, right? So you might decide this means she hates me and we're not actually even friends and I'm worthless and uninteresting. That's a story that you could choose to form.

Or you might make it mean that she knows you have a church commitment that night most weeks and didn't think you'd be able to make it. So that's why she didn't invite you. That's an alternative interpretation that you could pick, right? So the fact is you didn't receive an invitation and your story is why you think that is.

What you make it mean about your friendship, about yourself or about your friend. Let's say that you have a child who got called into the principal's office at school. That's a fact.

We could prove that it happened, right? But your story about it isn't really something that we would prove. It's your own opinions, it's your own ideas. So you might form a story that's something like, if it's this bad now, it's gonna be even worse when they're a teenager.

You might make it mean that you're too controlling or you're too permissive or that you're downright failing as a parent. And all of that is a story. It's not actually facts.

So stories have lots of drama and that's what makes them interesting. That's why we like to see movies or go to musicals or plays or something. Like they're dramatic, it's fun.

Stories can help us make sense of the world. Stories can help us create meaning. Stories can help us express the things that we feel and that's all great.

But what I wanna offer you today is that it's super useful to be able to tell a difference between something that happens in your life and the story that you tell yourself about it. Especially when you are feeling super worried or angry or jealous or threatened or insecure, what you feel is coming from the story you made up in your head about whatever happened. If you're feeling a lot of negative emotion about something and you can pause for a minute and get clear on what the facts are versus what your story is, you can instantly dial down some of the crazy emotions and get some leverage over how you want to interpret what's going on.

And I find this to be really empowering. So the life coaching words that we use to talk about this idea are circumstances versus thoughts. Knowing how to distinguish circumstances from thoughts is a skill and it can make a big difference in your life and in your relationships because sometimes people are just mean and that's the truth.

But more often, people are just a little bit inconsiderate or they're forgetful or they're oblivious and then we freak out and we get super upset about stuff that really isn't as big of a deal as we sometimes make it out to be. Do you know what I mean? So circumstances are the facts of stuff that happens and circumstances themselves are neutral. They're just facts.

A circumstance can't be easy or hard or good or bad or stupid or amazing. It just is. Now we assign meaning to circumstances based on our own opinions and preferences and expectations, right? So if you're feeling really hurt by something, remember that circumstances don't hurt.

Facts don't hurt. Nothing anyone says or does can actually hurt you until you think thoughts about it and make it mean something terrible and awful about you. So my daughter is in seventh grade right now and we've talked about this a lot and she has a lot of confidence because she knows that this is true.

So like there's a boy at school who's been saying things that aren't super nice, right? Like those pants are super ugly or like you suck at kickball, right? He's saying these things and she came home the other day and she was proud to report that even though he said that, you suck at kickball, she was able to decide for herself if that's true. And she said back to him something like, oh, that's an interesting opinion. I happen to disagree.

I think I'm really good at it. So this is what I mean that nothing anyone says or does can actually hurt you until you make it mean something terrible about you, which you can if you want to, but you actually don't have to. Circumstances are neutral, okay? Now thoughts on the other hand, aren't neutral at all.

Thoughts are full of drama and opinions and judgments and ideas of how other people should be or shouldn't be. And so when you're feeling stressed or worried or anxious or mad, it can make a huge difference if you just breathe for a second and see if you can identify what the circumstance really is. What are just the facts and then separate those from your thoughts about the circumstance, what you're making it mean, right? What the actual facts are and what you're making it mean are two different things and that can just be really useful to know.

A thought is a sentence in your mind that you think about a circumstance. Okay? So let's say that you're walking around thinking my house is a complete mess. So most people who think that thought, think of it as a fact.

Like look around, there's all these messes, my house is a complete mess. But if you pause for a second and you look a little closer, it's actually not a fact, it's a thought. So a fact might be, there are 18 items on the floor in my family room.

Or a fact could be the dishwasher is clean and full and there are dirty dishes on the table. Or a fact could be, there are seven baskets of unfolded laundry in the laundry room. But do you feel the difference? Facts don't have drama, they're just neutral.

But then we add the drama with our thoughts about it. So my house is a complete mess, adds drama, and maybe even on top of that, you might have a story about the laundry and the dishes and the items in the family room. That's something like, my husband never helps, the kids are slobs, no matter how much I do, it's never enough.

So that's all drama, that's all the story, when the actual facts aren't really that big of a deal. And the story is optional. So stay with the facts for a minute when you're dealing with stuff that feels really overwhelming or it feels really hard or it feels really crazy.

Just stay with the facts for a minute and then you can decide how you wanna respond. This way you stay in the driver's seat of your emotions and you don't automatically give the power of how you're gonna feel over to your circumstances, because the truth is you have so many choices. So if you can separate circumstances from thoughts, you open up the door to find out what you're thinking.

And if you don't like the story you've created in your mind and you don't like how you feel when you believe it, you can actually change the story. You can choose to interpret your circumstances in a different way. Whereas if you don't know how to separate circumstances from thoughts, then you're gonna walk around feeling worried all the time, that people are gonna do something that will make you feel bad.

You'll be the victim. And you'll feel like you don't have a choice of how to feel. Because whatever other people do or say is gonna determine how you feel and if you have a good day or a bad day.

Don't do this to yourself. If you don't think you have any choice in how you feel when people say things or do things or don't say things or don't do things, then you're gonna feel helpless and maybe even angry a lot of the time. And that will take a toll on your relationships.

So the other option is if you separate the actual circumstances from what you think about them, then you can decide how you want to interpret things that happen. And this is very empowering. And it can help you to have more confidence and show up as a more loving person in most situations.

Okay. So I'm going to give you a phrase and I want you to think in your mind whether it's a circumstance or a thought. Okay.

So this is so frustrating. Do you think it's a circumstance or a thought? It's a thought. This is so frustrating.

Whereas a circumstance could be the ticket said the show would start at 7.30 PM. It's now 7.50 PM. That would be a circumstance.

Do you feel how neutral that is? Meeting new people is stressful. That's a thought. Meeting new people is fun.

That's a thought. A circumstance might be I'm going to an event today where there will be people I haven't met before. That's neutral.

Okay. Driving in the snow is terrifying. That's a thought.

Driving in the snow is easy. That's a thought. Whereas the circumstances it is snowing outside.

It's just really helpful to be able to separate those things so that you can decide how you want to show up in a situation. She has a hard time making friends. That's a thought.

Fact or circumstance. She's in ninth grade. That's a circumstance.

She shouldn't be so selfish. That's a thought. Circumstance might be she said the words to me I won't be able to make it.

Okay. So circumstances are neutral. There's no drama.

Thoughts are where all the drama is. You can decide how you want to interpret anything that happens. But if you're feeling really worried or angry or frustrated or insecure you can change your mind about what you're making your circumstances mean about you.

I believe this with all my heart. In future episodes I'm excited to share more about how to do this. So you can tell yourself whatever story you want about anything that happens.

This week I want to challenge you to start noticing what you're telling yourself when stuff happens. Notice the facts about what other people do and say and notice the thoughts that you think what you're making it mean. I find that this makes a big difference in how I feel on a day-to-day basis.

Try it out and see what you think. Thanks for joining me today. I'll see you next time.